I never… once thought in my life, I’d feel like this; this feeling of total hopelessness. I’ve learned that while the past contributed to the person that I am now, what I am now is the person that I am today – and the person in the past is different. It was me, but what I am now is vastly different from that person in the past, he is a total stranger. He is not the person that I am now, hence, he never existed. What I am at this very moment is the person that I am and that is the only thing that matters – not me the past or the future. And I will continue to change, whether I want to or not. I just wish I didn’t make bad decisions one after another. But it’s all happened. What’s done is done. I have yet to know if there is a reset button in life like it is in video games. As a kid, I wish there was, It’d be great to re-do all the major mistakes I made in life.
I actually don’t know where to go from here. But I am not giving up on life, I am not taking the easy way out. Never. I will live until the universe permits me to do so. I made a lot of mistakes and I have a lot of regrets. But I will stand by everything I did. I just have to be accountable for all the shit I’ve done that led me to all the shit I am experiencing right now. No use reminiscing the past and being wishy-washy about it. I know that under all this hopelessness, there’s hope. Even if there is none, I’d create it out of my ass. Because my parents brought me up that way. I wish I could be like them as a parent. I’m so sad right now but I still look forward to tomorrow. I’m still alive and I still have time to recover from all of this. My greatest enemy is myself. I will overcome me. I have found my ultimate goal in life. The day will come when my children will know and hear how great their dad was. That’s the only thing I want to accomplish in my life. Make my children proud of me.
Welcome back home, Ed. I thought you’d stop writing for good.